First quarter domestic critic and impostor syndrome were my two best friends. I talked to them every day. Systematically. And I just could not relax. She believed that she did not do enough, did not take enough tasks, was not good enough, and in general ...
It seemed to me that I should be a supertimlide from the first day
I was a cool customer success manager , I didn’t doubt myself, I had a history of working victories. When I became a team leader, I had no evidence that I was a good team leader, only what the team, my manager, and my intuition told me. But until I myself proved that I was well done, these doubts dragged me down.
For the first six months, there was definitely a couple of days in the post when I thought: "Well, that's it, you need to pack your things, because I'm not good enough for this job." Life situation: I have four people in a team, I am looking for four more and at the same time I continue to work with my clients portfolio. From the point of view of working with clients, I did not reach metrics - literally by 0.5-1%, but for me it was a failure from failures.
And at one time I was in such an emotional purgatory between between ambition and interest on the one hand, and fear and feeling that I was not good enough for a new position - on the other.
- Firstly, it seemed to me that I should know the answers to all the questions of my team - the fact that no, I do not know everything, was not even considered.
- Secondly, I thought: “Well, that's it, now I will give everyone a promotion and all the opportunities” - but this did not always happen.
- Thirdly, I thought that if I did not answer any question today, then a terrible thing would happen - and I answered everyone 24/7. The brain worked on a yes, but model. It’s like you’ve done well, but “on February 5, you answered not at 20:00, but the next day.”
Such things were constantly scrolling in the head. It was complicated. I seemed to have professional schizophrenia.
Your expectations are your problems. Not team problems. Yes it happens
One of the traps that I fell into is called “Here I am.” When I needed to help the guys, I set myself an example. And you had to forget your "I" and focus on the team, on the person.
It seemed to me: this does not work, here the communication is bad, here the process is not like that. Instead of delegating or asking the team what they need, that is, to carry out such validation with reality , I formulated expectations and took everything upon myself. This was wrong.
Of course, much came from a lack of experience. After all, the energy of team lead also needs to be learned to channel in the right direction. As an employee, I liked the design work so that there was a result. But in the position of team leader, it seems to me that this is not the right strategy. You need to focus more on processes, on people. Not focusing only on the results - it helped me a lot.
“It Was in The Simpsons”: Simple Things That Helped Overcome Fear of Failure
I decided to study the materiel and read quite a lot on the topic. In particular, I found an interesting translation on Habré, where five types of impostor syndromes were understood. I diagnosed the type of “expert” in myself - a person who needs to know everything.
When you cannot have the wrong answers, it gets in the way. Especially if you come across a feedback in the form of criticism that you are doing something wrong. From that moment on, your own internal critic “grows up” on your shoulder, who whispers at first and then directly yells in your ear: “You don’t need to do this, everything will fail, you don’t even have to start . ”
What helped me was to visualize him in order to completely remove respect for him. It occurred to me, you know, the Crazy Cat Woman from The Simpsons - that crazy cartoon grandmother that walked the streets, screaming and throwing cats. It really helped. As soon as the inner critic raised his voice, I immediately imagined the image and thought: “Lord, whom am I listening to?”
And also - maybe this will sound ridiculous - when it was hard for me, I forced myself to find what I was doing well. And I made such a list - three victories of the day. After all, you can always write 25 points about what you did badly. Finding what has been done well is difficult - not because there is no good, but because you often focus only on negative experiences. Do not do like this.
PS With this post we continue the Timlid Calls podcast project, in which the guys from Skyeng call colleagues from different companies to exchange experiences. The guest of this issue was Ekaterina Mitusova from Wrike. Write in a personal or telegram @yeskelaveenrok if you would like to talk about your experience - and the team leader will call;)
Full Youtube version of Katie's story
Soundcloud episode
PPS Tell us how you struggled with such problems - sometimes even the “obvious” things become an opening and help for others.