Why excessive self-criticism can be harmful, how to recognize and pacify an internal critic, Anna Shaginyan , the founder of SELFCARIST.SPACE and the teacher of the Mindful self-compassion program, told us. With a topic of internal criticism, she spoke at the EPAM Summer Fest in St. Petersburg. We really liked the report, so we met again with Anna, asked about everything about her and tell you.
What is an internal critic?
Surely you know the feeling when such thoughts arise in my head: “I am not worthy of it,” “I am a complete failure”, “I always have some problems” and others.
Often these thoughts are difficult to notice and track - this happens in the background. For example, before a public speech, you look around the hall, and automatically rushes through your head: “Look, there’s some kind of displeased look. This is because you are uninteresting! ”This is the voice of an internal critic.
Where does he come from?
The habit of criticizing oneself usually comes from childhood or adolescence. For example, parents evaluated the child in a criticizing or punishing manner (“you did it this way, but it could have been better”). Or another option: the child shows his drawing to his parents, and they praise him for certain qualities ("well done, carefully painted"), while not delving into the details - why the child painted just such a picture that is depicted there. In order to maintain such positive reinforcement, the child will try to get approval, and not actively express his opinion. He can take this behavior into adulthood: he will avoid difficult situations that others may cause disapproval
If the child is in a supportive environment and the parents love the child not for any achievements, but sincerely are interested in and helping them, the person will grow up with the feeling that he is worthy of respect, love, that he is good in himself. But even a supportive family is not a guarantee that the child’s self-esteem will not fall: it is influenced by many situations that occurred in childhood and adolescence - in kindergarten, school, university and other social communities. If a person is constantly condemned in a certain environment, he develops a feeling that something is wrong with him, and he begins to criticize himself.
When and how does an internal critic manifest?
It would be nice if self-criticism manifested itself in those moments when we are ready for it, on a schedule. Here we are lying on the couch in the evening, and this is the time for self-criticism. But no: usually the level of criticism towards ourselves rolls over when we are already stressed.
Examples of such situations: we meet new people, make plans for the future, evaluate our achievements, and speak publicly.
The inner critic is activated for a reason. With it, we are in a very peculiar manner, but we can:
• Protect yourself . “I criticize myself so as not to be disappointed with criticism of other people. Or I criticize myself so as not to do something and then not to be disappointed with the failure. "
• Take control of the situation . “I’ll criticize myself now, as if I can foresee the worst, and then there will be no difficulties.”
The problem is that this is only an illusion of control - we cannot foresee everything, and protection often serves as a brake on development.
For example, you have the opportunity to make contact with a significant, successful person in your field, and here's the paradox - self-criticism should stimulate us to be better, strive to do something, but the opposite effect often works: “I will not even try to get acquainted with these people, because they will condemn me, make fun of me, because who am I compared to them? I do not want to experience these experiences, and I will not even try. ”
It turns out that during already difficult situations, the internal critic only adds fuel to the fire. For example, an interview is a stressful situation. If at this moment a person begins to wind himself up - to think that he is a poor specialist, that they will understand him now - the level of stress only increases. And this does not help to feel comfortable during the interview.
When we experience severe stress, anxiety, the body does not care what happens - a lion is chasing us or we are sitting for an interview. Its archaic mechanism works like this: “Danger, danger threatens us!” And it includes adaptive systems: blood circulation is enhanced, stress hormones are secreted - all forces are aimed at survival. Blood drains from the brain, and it becomes harder to think. Due to increased anxiety, attentiveness, memory worsen, creativity decreases. And this is in situations where we all need it so much.
People with a lower level of self-criticism give themselves the right to make a mistake: “I can speak at the big conference for something wrong, but it will not be a failure, because I have something to share. Yes, it may not be enchanting, but it will not be the worst performance of the year. "
Many say: “But if I don’t criticize myself, I won’t do anything at all!” Yes, an internal critic can encourage us to do something - but there are side effects.
Self-criticism often correlates with procrastination. We didn’t just get nervous and calm down, but begin to think about mistakes and failures: “It was better to answer! What could I say? ”
But when we plunge into such a “mental chewing gum”, we do not solve the problem and do not support ourselves. Most often, from such thoughts the level of stress only increases. On the whole, we are less prepared to deal with problems, because a lot of energy is spent only on worrying, thinking over all the negative consequences. You can plunge into anxiety, or you can do something during this time - not perfect, but show some results and strengthen your confidence in small steps that you can cope with problems and solve problems.
Among the side effects are avoidance, trying not to get into situations that could potentially help solve problems and make life better. For example, to get a new position, ask for an increase in salary . Many people prefer to stay in positions that are comfortable and safe for them - even if all the colleagues around them already think that it’s worth trying to move on.
Constant internal criticism can be harmful to the body. People prone to regular self-criticism are more likely to deal with sleep disturbance and eating disorders, anxiety and depression. In the long run, constant stress is a difficult test for the body.
All people experience from time to time - this is normal. It is not about being sure of everything every day. The main thing here is to be able to note moments of anxiety and help yourself.
How to negotiate with an internal critic?
Firstly, you need to understand that this is a long-term work: you can’t go to a training or read a smart book and after three days unlearn how to criticize yourself. This is a smooth, gradual work, and here are the steps you can take here.
• Start with breathing
Since self-criticism is always a reaction in the body, we cannot criticize ourselves and not experience any changes at the level of physiology. In any case, the intensity of blood circulation changes in us, the pressure and respiration rate may change.
The first thing you can do is connect the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm down. This can be done with the help of breathing - an emphasis on a longer expiration. Sometimes, in order to reduce stress levels, it is enough to inhale and exhale slowly for one minute. This is the so-called ambulance.
• Observe yourself
Then you can watch how we talk to ourselves. At first it can become creepy: often we talk to ourselves much harder than to our friends.
In relation to them, we use other phrases, formulations, intonations, words, rather than for ourselves, even if we have similar situations. You can observe this: what kind of intonation in our head? Maybe someone already told us so? Pay attention to what sensations arise in the body: this may be a feeling of heaviness in the chest, sweaty palms, rapid breathing.
• pull away
Try to write down your thoughts. For example, a situation: I am preparing for an interview. We write down emotions: “Anxiety, fear”. Then we write our thoughts: “I will fail, I can’t answer anything, I’m always unlucky.”
• Engage in dialogue with oneself.
Then you can perform an exercise called Socritic dialogue - try to be critical of yourself and ask questions: “How real is my anxiety? What bad can happen? ”
An important point: you can get excited because of what emotions you experience. We were taught that girls should not be angry, boys should not be upset and cry. But if we forbid ourselves to experience any emotions, they do not go anywhere. They stay with us in the form of intense tension and then shoot at the most inopportune moment.
Here we can - this is also a long-term work - to study emotions, to understand that there are no bad and good emotions, that it is normal to experience them. It is also important to understand that emotions are not eternal. When we are anxious, we can remind ourselves: “I am now anxious, but at some point it will end, and I will experience other emotions. I myself am much more than the thoughts and emotions that I am experiencing right now. ”
You can parse situations using a special table:
For example, in cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy we record what is happening, then we designate the thoughts that we have in these situations, and emotions.
If you regularly perform this practice, you can even observe some tendency. For example, “regularly during meetings with people who seem to me more status, I feel anxiety. I believe that I am not good enough and will never be able to communicate with such people. "
• Disassemble the installation
This is a more serious, conscious part - to deal with the settings. We have rules, in-depth beliefs on the topic of ourselves that constantly dictate certain thoughts. Because of them, emotions appear, and we find ourselves in similar situations.
Such settings may be: “everything should be perfect”, “I have no right to make a mistake”, “soon everyone will expose me”. You can deal with the settings yourself, but it's easier to do this in the company of a specialist.
• Imagine a friend in your place
An alternative to self-criticism is compassion for oneself (this is the closest in meaning translation of the phrase “self compassion” into Russian), when, firstly, we note that something is happening: “I am anxious, the situation is complicated.” At the same time, we are not immersed in emotions: “Why, the world is not fair!” But we do not pretend that everything is in order and nothing is happening.
Secondly, we pay attention to the fact that all people at different times experience different emotions and may encounter difficulties, experience pain, frustration, and anxiety. Why is it important? Because an additional problem is the feeling of isolation: I'm one such awkward, and the rest are fine. No, all people experience difficulties from time to time.
Thirdly, it is important to learn to show kindness to yourself - just like to a friend. When you want to criticize yourself, imagine that your beloved friend is in your place. How would you support him in such a situation? What would you tell him? "This is not easy, I feel how worried you are, but let's think that it really helps you cope with this situation." If you have words for another person, it means that you can pronounce them to yourself, support yourself.
• Seek professional help
If you feel that self-help is not enough, you can always consult a specialist. I recommend compassion -focused therapy or cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy: these are the most evidence-based types of psychotherapy.